Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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