1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
