Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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