The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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