dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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