Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
