You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
