I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
