Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I had to cum in my sink.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
