I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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