And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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