dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
