No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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