I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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