Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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