Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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