Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize