He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
