If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
