two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize