were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Pooping to opera.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
