I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm passing your future prison.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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