if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
