Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize