I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
