when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
