I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize