in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He felt like a one man threesome
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
