Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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