if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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