do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
