Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
