I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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