I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
