also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
