He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
