somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
