I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
