You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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