dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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