It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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