Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize