Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
