I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
