Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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