Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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