He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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