you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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