nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize