if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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