You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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