We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
