i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
