If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize