I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
