be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
