phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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