You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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