dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
